March 16th, 2012
Patient: Reported on SXSW Music Festival Day 3 (of 4), overall SXSW Festival Day 8
Diagnosis: SXSW Syndrome
Symptoms: Subject displays a wide array of SXSW-related symptoms. They include: perpetual squint, even with sunglasses on. Jeans worn three days straight, same pair (the t-shirt is relatively clean, thank god). Sunburn is fading to a robust face-tan, over two-day beard stubble. Subject’s free-food-and-booze locator senses are tuned to a fine pitch (note: he has discovered a source of free beer, coffee & live music dangerously close to his hotel). Subject also suffers apparent optic nerve damage from SXSW-hottie-ogling (one can’t look too long at the sun without consequences, after all).
Body-bloat is evident, apparently from over-ingestion of barbeque and a substance referred to in the literature as “Death Metal Pizza.” Feet sore from 10+ miles of walking per day plus hours of standing at shows. Subject displays a particular inability to react appropriately (or even perceptibly) to amplified music, laser shows or the strong smell of marijuana in public places (in all three cases, unless of particularly high quality). Likewise with tattoos, piercings and unconventional clothing. Subject claims to have seen more bands than he can handle, but still wants more.
Prognosis: Patient’s body may still be saved, though only as a subject of scientific study. The soul, however, is a lost cause.
Recommended treatment: Two more nights of live music, plus an ethanol/barbeque IV. Stat!