Unveiling the Online Politics Cabinet

The media attention’s on Barack Obama’s potential choices for jobs in HIS Cabinet, but what about OURS? E.politics has selflessly taken on the task of assembling a core group of crack online political operatives to help Bring Our Nation into the 21st Century — they can get started as soon as they’re finished bringing our nation’s political system into the 20th. Let’s take it from the top:

  • President: Julie Germany
    A bipartisan figure for a new political age! Julie’s been herding cats and performing thankless tasks in the online politics world for years — floating above the fray with Obama-like calm, she’s a perfect pick to be our new Dear Leader. This time, the chick wins.
  • Vice President: Michael Bassik
    With a playboy’s easy style and Kennedy-esque charm, he’s just right for the VP’s real role: going to diplomatic events and schmoozing. If he can keep from getting impeached over a sex scandal, he’s also a candidate for the future: he’s a shoe-in for 2016, if all his ex-girlfriends vote.

  • White House Chief of Staff: Peter Greenberger
    Who do you think is the REAL power behind the internet? Pulling in Google’s Man in DC will not only ensure that the trains run on time, it’ll also guarantee good placement for all of our sites in organic search results.
  • Secretary of State: Shana Glickfield
    One glance from Shana will make me do just about ANYTHING; world leaders won’t stand a chance.
  • Secretary of the Treasury: The Obama online fundraising team
    (Requires no expanation). Backup choice: the funders of Politico.com, who clearly have more money than God.
  • Secretary of Defense: Cheryl Contee
    She studies Tai Chi sword, ’nuff said.
  • White House Press Secretary: Alex Treadway
    The nicest guy on the planet, he’ll combine Tony Snow-level affability with Garrison Keillor-style storytelling — no reporter will be immune. Plus, he had a bit part in the Bond classic Live and Let Die as a kid — how cool is that?
  • Secretary of Health and Human Services: Heather Holdridge
    Every time I see Heather, we end up having a beer. Beer is good for my health. Therefore, Heather is good for health.
  • Attorney General: Paula Brantner
    Put that law degree to work, baby.
  • U.N. Ambassador: Phil Noble
    The man who saw the power of the internet before there WAS an internet — plus he likes to travel abroad.
  • Office of Faith-Based Initiatives: Patrick Ruffini and Mindy Finn (joint appointment)
    If anything requires faith, it’s selling online politics to the Republican establishment. These guys clearly have the chops.
  • Secretary of Education: Roz Lemieux
    NOI done taught me a bunch.
  • NASA Administrator: Andrew Hoppin
    But only if he agrees to launch missions into REAL space, not Second Life space.
  • Secretary of Commerce: Henry Copeland
    Monetize the blogosphere? Crazy talk! But it worked…
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Jose Antonio Vargas
    After two years on the frontlines covering online politics, he knows all about wounds both physical and mental.
  • Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Ali Savino
    Ask her about that new money pit.
  • Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA): Alan Rosenblatt
    Just please, build some weapons that AREN’T based on social network analysis.
  • Secretary of Labor: Tanya Tarr
    Have you TALKED with her about labor issues? Jesus, employers everyone in range beware.
  • Secretary of Energy: Andrew Rasiej
    HOW many projects has this guy started besides techPresident? Talk about energy…and apparently, cash.
  • Secretary of Homeland Security: Clay Johnson
    A devious, horrible little man — perfect for the job of keeping us safe from evildoers.
  • Ambassador to Mars: Matt Stoller
    That ought to be just about far enough.

Unfilled positions!

Please help fill the following important jobs in the Online Politics Cabinet — use the comment form below to list your suggestions. Or, propose other nominees for the positions above.

  • Secretary of Transportation
  • Secretary of the Interior
  • Secretary of Agriculture
  • Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency
  • Director of the Office of Management and Budget
  • Director of the National Drug Control Policy
  • United States Trade Representative


Written by
Colin Delany
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