Friday Fun: How an iPhone Destroyed my Life

Technology is a harsh mistress — heed my words.

It’s just an iPhone, they said. What could possibly go wrong? A great little pocket computer, and an always-on internet device, with a terrific user interface — it will surely change the way you live your life. Little did they know…

You see, the iPhone also contains a digital camera. Now, cameras can be used for all kinds of wonderful things: photos of pretty girls, and cute kids, and flowers and puppies, and…well, we’re getting into dangerous ground here. Because it was that camera that led me to certain ruin.

Let me be blunt: because of a new iPhone bought on Monday, I have taken actions that will destroy my life. More: I have done the nerdiest thing I have ever done. Hipster cred? No chance, no way, no how. Respect from my peers? They’re pretty geeky, but this must surely be A Bridge Too Far, even for them. I must accept it as an act of blatant self-destruction, something that will keep me from ever getting another date on a Friday night (sorry mom, no grandkids).

I should keep my silence, I should stop this article NOW, but here at e.politics, we take our journalism seriously. When it comes to documenting the promise and perils of online technology in the human sphere, we take no prisoners: we run our scene full-on Gonzo, damn the torpedoes and devil take the hindmost.

So here’s what I did, God save my soul: as soon as I got home from buying an iPhone, I used its camera to take portraits of the e.politics “staff” posed with outdated communications technology (as memento mori), then fired up Photoshop to add in Lolcats-inspired captions. Please forgive me, and avert thine eyes from the results if you have any respect for dignity in mankind.

e.politics lolcat

e.politics lolturtle

Get it? Cute animals? Fractured syntax? Magnate/Magnet? Somebody &%$#ing shoot me. Heed my words — technology is a harsh mistress, and while she might show you a good time, she’ll also dose your drink, steal your wallet and leave you passed out in a ditch, naked and cold.


Written by
Colin Delany
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